


Feet and Condoms

by TonyStarkAlive3000



Category: Captain America (Movies), Despicable Me - Fandom, Iron Man (Movies), Minions (2015), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bananas, Condoms, Eric Cartman - Freeform, Feet, Gen, Minions, Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:21:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26980561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonyStarkAlive3000/pseuds/TonyStarkAlive3000
Summary: The Avengers, newly reassembled are getting reacquainted when an unknown female teenager does something extremely unexpected.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. Everyone

**Author's Note:**

> First, this story might be controversial and offensive to some which I want to say my intention was never to offend anyone. So if you're gonna comment something hateful, please don't. 
> 
> Second, the character of Astrid Stark was created by me. A little background of the story is that Tony saved her from a sex trafficker, and ended up adopting her, which explains her presence in the Tower. The Avengers end up coming back together, six months after the events of Civil War. Spiderman does not exist in this story. (Sorry, Spiderman fans) 
> 
> Third, I got the idea for this fanfic after reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books. (Spoiler Alert) I never really liked how Christian practically forced Ana to be on birth control. I know it's because he didn't want to get her pregnant and I know that sex is a vital element to the series but something about forcing her to be on birth control is unsettling to me. That's just my opinion though.

It was an ordinary rainy Sunday at Avenger's Tower. Tony Stark, along with the Rogues were sitting on the couch in the living room getting reacquainted. Tony had spent countless weeks trying to get them pardoned after finally coming to terms with the truth of his parents' demise. He forgave Bucky and this motivated him to get the team back together. So far, everything was going great and Tony felt the loneliness finally leave him. 

"I don't know if white's a good hair color for you, Nat." Clint offered his two cents as he bit down on a cookie that no one knew where it came from. 

Nat gave him her best glare. "That's funny, I can't recall where I asked for your opinion, Katniss." 

Clint opened his mouth to protest being called Katniss when footsteps were heard making their way toward them. Everyone stopped talking when a pale, blonde teenager walked into the room. She was barefoot, in only a sleeveless Dr. Who dress. She looked to be around fifteen, sixteen years of age, with blue eyes and long blonde hair down to her waist. She was disgruntled judging from the look on her face. 

"Listen up!" she addressed the group. "It has come to my attention that there are boys on the internet who believe their dick is too big to wear a condom when having sex. I am here to prove to you that that is bullshit." 

Tony choked on his drink while the other Avengers had other reactions. Sam and Rhodey stared at her in disbelief, Bucky, Scott, and Clint laughed-though Bucky made a mental note to ask Steve what a condom was-Vision looked away, Wanda and Steve blushed, while Natasha raised an eyebrow. 

"For all who don't know me, I have abnormally large feet for a girl." 

"What does feet have to do with-" Tony attempted to ask before the girl shut him down. 

"Shut the fuck up, Iron Butthole." Tony scowled, but remained silent. He was curious. 

She reached into the hidden pocket of her dress and took out a condom, and held it up for the Avengers to see. 

"This is a condom, in case any of you blind motherfuckers need glasses and can't see it even though I'm literally standing right in front of you." She ignored their incredulous looks and sat down on the table in front of them and proceeded to unwrap the condom. 

"Eww, gross." she muttered to herself. "It's squishy. Is this what a penis feels like?"   
Scott snickered. 

The Avengers watched in fascinated horror as she took the condom and rolled it up her right foot, stopping at her ankle. She held up her condom covered foot and glared at them all. Clint flinched. 

"If my size 10 foot was able to fit into this condom, then your dick isn't big enough to not fit into it. If a woman asks you to wear a condom, don't fucking lie and say your hotdog's too big to fit into it as an excuse for you not liking condoms. Just respect her wishes and wear a condom. You take them off after sex anyway. Women shouldn't be forced to be on birth control so that your frigid penis has room to breathe. 

"And if you don't like condoms, just be honest and tell her! Don't lie and say your dong is too big to fit one. Some girls like big dicks and will be sorely disappointed if we find out it isn't as big as you led us to believe! Jeez." 

The girl stood up and made to leave the room, the condom making squishing noises on the floor. She turned to the Avengers, who were shocked into silence. "Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk." She turned and left the room. 

For a few moments, no one said a word. 

"What the fuck?" Steve whispered, prompting the others to "Language" him. 

"Who the hell was that?" Clint turned to Tony, who looked embarrassed. 

"Everyone, that was Astrid. My adopted daughter."


	2. Natasha, Wanda, Tony: Fallopian Tubes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astrid prank calls a Auto Parts store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I'm in the midst of a sugar rush and this is what came of it. 
> 
> So let me know what you think in the comments. And if you have any ideas what I should do in the next chapters- I'm thinking at least three more chapters for this- feel free to let me know in the comments too. 
> 
> Enjoy the shit show that is Astrid Stark.

It had been two days since the rest of the Avengers met Astrid and each and every one of them thought she was weird, but they admired her confidence. She was goofy, loud, and a tad annoying but they had nothing bad to say about her. Despite her immaturity, she was sweet, kind and very expressive. They couldn't help but take a liking to her. 

That Tuesday afternoon saw Natasha, Wanda, and Tony siting on the couch. The two women were talking quietly while the eccentric billionaire was deeply invested on his StarkPad. The ping of the elevator made them all look up. 

Astrid strolled into the living room, a mischievous grin etched on her face. Tony immediately stood up to leave. "Whatever shenanigans you have planned I want nothing to do with." He turned to leave. 

"FRIDAY, call Advanced Auto Parts." Astrid commanded, smirking at Tony who stared at her in confusion. Natasha and Wanda looked on, curious. 

"Advanced Auto Parts. This is Ryan speaking, how may I help you?" The call echoed around the room. 

"Yes, hi. I was wondering if you had some tubes that I need for my car." She winked at her father who continued to stare. 

"Umm, what kind of tubes were you looking for?" 

Astrid held a hand up to her mouth to suppress a giggle. 

"Fallopian Tubes." 

Natasha let out an unladylike snort. Wanda grinned and Tony was looking exasperated and appeared to want to leave the room. He stayed, not wanting to admit he wanted to know how the prank would turn out. Also, it was kinda funny. 

"Let me go check the inventory. I know we just got a truck so we might have some that just came in. I'll be back." Ryan put Astrid on hold as he went to look and Astrid lost her shit. She burst into laughter. 

"He's actually fucking looking!" she howled, bending over at the force of her laughter. 

It wasn't long before there were sounds of the phone being picked up on the other end. 

"Ma'am, I'm sorry but we don't have fallopian tubes at this time." 

Astrid grinned. "Of course you don't. You're a male. Last time I checked, people with reproductive organs had fallopian tubes. Good day to you sir. FRIDAY, end call."  
The phone clicked off. As soon as the call ended, Wanda let out a series of snickers which set Astrid off and soon both girls were laughing so hard tears fell down their faces. 

"I need a drink." Tony announced, making his way over to his mini-bar. 

"You don't need a drink, you want a drink you fucking alcoholic!" Astrid called over to him. She flipped him off for no apparent reason. 

Tony just rolled his eyes.

Natasha shook her head. 

"дети." she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> дети- children
> 
> I was going to say "only females have fallopian tubes" at the part before Astrid ends the call, but the last time I said only females had a certain organ (insert 'uterus' here) I pissed someone off who assumed that I was a transphobe. The last thing I want is to piss people off, so I replaced it with "people who have reproductive organs." 
> 
> Which goes without saying you can't really say anything on the internet without the possibility of pissing somebody off.


	3. Scott, Clint and Sam: The Art of Gagging on a Banana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott, Clint and Sam walk in on Astrid doing something sexual to bananas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning; Mild sexual implications, I forgot the word for it.

It had been two weeks now since the Avengers had met Astrid and there wasn't a day that went by that they didn't see her do anything weird. Steve had one day walked in on her while in the bathroom (located in the living room, and it had no bathtub/shower because each of the Avengers had their own in their rooms) rubbing toothpaste on her face. She had told him that it was a common acne treatment, but nevertheless he didn't use that bathroom without thinking about that incident. 

So naturally when Scott, Sam and Clint walked into the kitchen and saw Astrid standing on the other side of the counter, surrounded by a mountain of banana peels. At this point they wanted to stop being surprised. 

"You know too much Potassium is bad for you, right?" Clint asked, raising an eyebrow. Astrid shot him a glare. "Shut up, Legolas. I'm conducting a scientific experiment." 

"Seeing how many bananas you can eat before you barf?" Scott snickered. 

She made a face. 

"No. I'm trying to see how much penis I can put in my mouth before my gag reflex kicks in." 

Sam, who had been drinking milk straight out of the carton, spat out a mouthful which ran down his shirt. 

"What?" he choked. 

"Do I even want to know?" Clint asked. Astrid shot him her signature maniacal grin which sent shivers down all their spines. 

"Using these bananas, representing penises, I shove them down my throat and measure the length of what can fit in my mouth before I start gagging. This should give me the estimate of how much penis I can shove down my pipehole." She giggled. 

She proceeded to peel a banana and then opened her mouth wide. 

"Psst, Clint." Scott whispered to the archer, unable to stop looking at the inappropriate display, "We should probably get out of here while we still can, right?" 

Clint watched, repulsed as the girl got a little bit of banana down her throat before the gagging started. 

"I saw too much to look away now, Scott." he replied. 

The three men continued to watch as Astrid took the banana and started to measure from the tip to the part that met her lips. She stared at the ruler, disgusted with the results. 

"Three inches?" she shrieked. There was a pause. "So that's how much penis I can fit in my mouth. How disappointing." 

She stared at the three speechless and immobile Avengers. 

"I'm getting another banana." She threw the uneaten banana in the trash and grabbed another and began peeling it. 

Sam quickly put the milk away and practically shoved the others out. 

"I don't know about you two, but I do NOT want to see that again. That image is burned in my brain and I need to get rid of it as soon as possible." 

"With you there, buddy." Clint nodded and together the three fled the kitchen. 

From then on, the three avoided bananas like the Plague. Tony noticed, and when he asked, they shot a glance at Astrid and Tony immediately understood, and didn't question it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is gonna be better, I swear.


	4. Rhodey, Pepper, Steve, Bucky, and Vision: The Human Minion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astrid dresses up as a Minion and attacks Bucky to get his banana, which he refuses to give to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing this chapter. I hope you enjoyed reading it.

They all thought it was just a phase, but after a month they knew they wouldn't see the last of it. So naturally, they assumed they would stop being surprised by her and silly antics. They were to be proven wrong. 

No one had seen Astrid all day. They would be lying if they said they weren't the least concerned. Normally, Astrid would have pulled off at least a dozen pranks on the unsuspecting team but they have yet to be pranked today. Bucky was disappointed, he secretly enjoyed her tomfoolery. 

Tony ended up finding her in his lab later on, hiding in a corner. He stopped in his tracks as he saw what she was wearing. She was dressed in some yellow costume, with blue overalls. The face of the costume had one eye which was wearing goggles. 

The two of them stared at each other until Astrid gave him a mischievous grin. 

"Bello." she said, but it wasn't her voice. Tony only could describe it as the voice of someone who had just sucked the helium out of a balloon. 

Tony stared for a couple more moments before turning right around and leaving. 

Later Vision, Rhodey, Pepper, Steve, and Bucky were in the living room engaging in conversation. Bucky was eating a banana. 

Suddenly as Pepper was responding to something Steve said she looked up and abruptly stopped talking. When the others looked at where Pepper was staring, they stared too. Even though he had no idea what he was looking at, Bucky could feel his lips twitch in amusement. 

Seeing his movement, Astrid's eyes landed on him and then traveled to the banana in his hand. Her eyes widened as she stared. Tension quickly filled the room. 

"Banana." she whispered in the Minion voice.

Bucky tilted his head in confusion. Steve, who Astrid had recently forced to watch Despicable Me, knew right away what was going to happen. And then.......

"BANANA!" Astrid screamed, launching herself at Bucky. Chaos erupted as the other couch occupants scrambled to flee her attack. Bucky was laughing his ass off while simultaneously trying to prevent the theft of his banana. 

"ME WANT BANANA!" she bellowed, as he lifted it high above his head. 

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR VOICE?" he yelled back, pushing her back gently. 

"STUPA!" 

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?" 

"SA LA KA!" she shouted as Bucky accidently stepped on her foot in the chaos. 

"WHAT IS THIS LANGUAGE YOU'RE SPEAKING?" 

"TATATA BALA TU!" 

"WHAT?!" 

The others watched in terrified amusement as the two continued to fight over the banana. 

"ME ASTRID WANT BANANA!" 

"NO BANANA PARA TU! MY BANANA!" Bucky took a huge bite, making Astrid gasp in shock. 

"KEMARI!" she screeched, proceeding to chase him around the room. 

Steve shook his head in amusement as he watched his best friend get chased by Astrid in a Minion costume. Rhodey, Pepper, and Vision looked on in confusion and fond exasperation. 

It took another five minutes before Bucky took the last bite of his banana. He then turned and gave Astrid a smug look before throwing the peel at her face and bolting from the room. 

Astrid picked up the peel from the floor. 

"Banana." she said sadly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost finished. Then hopefully I can get back to my other projects. 
> 
> Also, Minion terms: 
> 
> Bello- Hello  
> Me want banana- I am hungry  
> Stupa- Stop  
> Sa la ka- How dare you  
> Tatata bala tu-I hate you  
> Kemari-Come Here  
> No banana para tu-no banana for you (Not sure if this one is correct)


	5. Bruce and Thor: Tony Stark's a Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after Ragnorak. 
> 
> Thor and Bruce return to Avenger's Tower, where they witness an unusual event. 
> 
> Astrid finds out she is worthy of Mjölnir. 
> 
> (Thor never loses his hammer or his eye in this fic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own South Park. The link to the original song is here. 
> 
> Also, this chapter is a little longer. And another thing, this chapter has a little Natasha/Bruce fluff, because I ship them so much! 
> 
> https://youtu.be/ZQ49UoiLe5A

Bruce Banner was so glad to be off that stupid planet. Evidently he had been stuck there for two years, but he had no recollection of it. All he could remember before his rescue by Thor was that the Scarlet Witch had done something to make him Hulk out. 

Now he and Thor were on a ship headed back to Earth. Thor looked so different with short hair. Bruce almost didn't recognize him. 

Bruce was anxiously waiting to see Natasha again. He was finally ready to confess his feelings for her, and hopefully she would return them. Because he saw the video message she had sent him (coincidentally was the same message that had allowed him to return to being Bruce after two years as the Hulk) when he had stolen the ship and fled after the Ultron fiasco. She had wanted him to turn the ship around, but he was too ashamed to face her. He couldn't see how anyone could ever love a monster like him. 

They reached Earth and headed straight for New York. 'Avenger's Tower, here we come.' Bruce thought. Then his mind went to the Avenger's, especially to Tony. He wondered what he was doing right now. 'Probably nursing a brandy,' Bruce smiled fondly at the thought. He admired Tony, but thought he drank a little too much. 

It seemed like forever before the pair saw the familiar sight of the Tower. Bruce's heart swelled with longing. He was finally home to stay. 

Thor patted Bruce's shoulder. "It's good to be back isn't it, friend?" Bruce nodded. 

After the ship landed on the roof, the two got off and made their way into the Tower. As they made their way into the main room, they heard a faint curse and curious, the pair kept walking until they reached the kitchen and stopped. The kitchen was occupied by a blonde teenage girl, who was standing on the counter. Bruce opened his mouth to speak but then the girl started singing. 

"Weeellll..." she began, and she raised her arms. Bruce raised an eyebrow, while Thor looked on, confused. 

"Tony Stark's a bitch, he's a big fat bitch, he's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. He's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, he's a bitch to all the A-ven-gers!" 

She started dancing weirdly, still not aware of the two new occupants who were wondering who the hell this girl was and why she was calling Tony a bitch while dancing on the counter. 

"On Mondays he's a bitch, on Tuesdays he's a bitch, on Wednesday through Saturday he's a bitch. Then on Sunday just to be different he's a super king kamehameha beeeeatch!" 

"What the hell?" Bruce whispered to himself as he watched the spectacle. 

"Is this some Midgardian tradition?" Thor asked, and Bruce shook his head mutely. 

"Have you ever met my new dad Tony? He's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world! He's a mean old bitch and he has stupid hair, he's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!" 

At this point, she started shaking her butt and Thor had to slap a hand on his mouth to stop the laughter threatening to escape. 

"He's a stupid bitch! Tony Stark's a bitch and he's just a dirty bitch!" 

She paused to take a deep breath. 

"Talk to kids around the world and it might go a little bit something like this!" 

And then she stared making sounds that appeared to be yodeling. They continued before she started singing again. 

"Have you met my new dad Tony? He's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world! He's a mean old bitch and he has stupid hair, he's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!"

She twirled around in circles on the counter that Bruce became concerned that she could fall off. 

"Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, he's a stupid bitch! Tony Stark's a bitch, and he's just a dirty bitch!" 

She stared kicking her legs as if she was in a chorus line. 

"I really mean it, Tony Stark! He's a big fat fucking bitch! Big fat fucking bitch, Tony Stark, yeah! Chaa!" 

She turned and suddenly saw the two Avengers and gasped. "Oh fuck," she said before promptly falling off the counter and breaking her arm. A loud crunch filled the room. Bruce immediately made his way over to her and picking her up, led her over to the couch. 

"You fucking did this to me." She accused him playfully. He just shook his head. "I wasn't the one who made you get on the counter and dance around like a heathen." Astrid grinned at him. 

Bruce sat her down on the couch. "Stay here, I'll be back to fix your arm." he left the room. 

Thor and Astrid sat in silence for a few moments before Astrid broke it. "Can I try to lift Mjölnir?" she asked, surprising the god by pronouncing it correctly. Wordlessly, he set the hammer in front of her. Grinning, she reached out with her good hand and braced the handle before lifting it up like it weighed nothing. Thor's mouth fell open. 

Suddenly, Astrid stood up and held Mjölnir high.

"I am worthy of the power of Thor!" she cried out dramatically. 

"WHAT THE FUCK?" 

Both Thor and Astrid turned and there was Tony and the other Avengers looking on in shock as they eyed the hammer in Astrid's hand. Astrid grinned at her father. 

"Hey Dad! I'm worthy!" 

"I can see that, Astrid." Tony walked over and patted Thor on the back. "Hey Pointbreak! About time you paid us a visit! What the hell happened to your hair?" 

Thor shrugged. "It's a long story. And there's another that I brought back with me." 

"Who else came back with you?" Clint asked. "It better not be your homicidal brother." 

'It's not Loki." A voice said from the doorway. The others turned around and saw Bruce, leaning against the wall with a first aid kit in his hand. He gave them a small smile. 

"Brucie Bear!" Tony called out. 

"Bruce! Where have you been?" Clint shouted and then turned to Steve and started poking him. "Look Steve! Bruce is back!"   
Steve caught his arm and shoved it aside gently. "I can see that, Clint." Steve turned and gave Bruce a smile, which he returned. 

Tony walked over to Bruce and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "It's good to have my science buddy back. Where have you been? We've tried looking for you but couldn't find you." 

Bruce shrugged and walked over to Astrid, Tony following behind. "I can't really recall. All I know is Thor found me on a planet that I'd been on for two years apparently and that I was being used to fight him."

"He had been the other guy for two years straight when I found him." Thor put in. 

"Two years as the Hulk?" Clint asked, astonished. Bruce nodded. 

"So that explains why we couldn't find you, you were on an entirely different planet." Natasha spoke up. Bruce looked up and stared at her. She looked different. Her hair, for starters was white. But her smile was the same, and he couldn't help but smile back. She was just as beautiful as he remembered. 

"I hate to interrupt you eye fucking Natasha Dr. Banner, but my damn arm is throbbing with pain." Astrid cut in, and just like that the moment was gone. 

Tony frowned. "What happened to your arm?"   
Bruce spoke up before Astrid could.   
"She fell off the kitchen counter after she sang a song about you being a bitch." 

Astrid glared at him. 

Tony rolled his eyes. "Wouldn't be the weirdest thing she's ever done. You'll get used to it." 

"I'm right here, Dad. There's no need to talk about me in front of me." 

"Dad?" Bruce stopped and stared at Tony in shock. "I didn't know you had a kid." 

"Once again, I am right here, buttholes!" 

"I adopted her." 

Bruce nodded and got back to work on her arm. 

"You know, that may not be the weirdest thing she'll ever do." Scott said. "At least it's better than her making sexual innuendos with bananas." 

"PLEASE do not remind me!" Sam covered his ears. 

Astrid laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have one more chapter planned, then on to my other projects. Ones I have YET to finish. Oops.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and I'm sorry if I offended anyone. 
> 
> I was thinking about making this a series of oneshots where each of the Avengers have an unusual encounter with Astrid but I don't know. 
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments.


End file.
